Good luck!
I grew up in China. In China when people have small talk they have some popular phrases that often slip out of mouth without noticing it. I guess it’s called pet phrases here in the US. One of the popular phrases says, “Focus on things, not people.” I think the equivalent in English is “Please don’t judge.” When it comes to communication, people in the world share many common values, regardless of their cultures and languages.
“Focus on things, not people.” This phrase popped into my mind a few weeks ago when I was in an online meeting. One of the guys said he was working on a project and he had to complete it before Labor Day. “Labor Day?” I was baffled. “ It’s July now. That’s way past!” I was thinking of International Labor Day on May 1st. He responded, “I meant September 2nd, the American Labor Day.” Then I was like, “Sorry, I don’t know it. It’s good to know it.”
As we almost passed this subject and moved on. I heard the guy say, “Apparently, you don’t know much about American history.” It may slip out of his mouth with him noticing it. But ouch, it hurts.
It got me thinking about what impact our words could make when we give feedback to people, even in small talk. I remember back in my college time in China, I was studying the English language. We had this practice in the classroom. Two students sat face to face and talked in English over any subject for some time. Then one of them would tell his partner how he did in the conversation, what mistakes he made, and maybe some corrections…… We were all young and competitive at that time. We all wanted to sound better than our partner. So after we pointed out their mistakes, we often had these words slipping out of our mouths with noticing it, “Your pronunciation is poor.” “You need to improve your grammar.” We did not know these words deeply hurt our partners until our English teacher told us.
Our English teacher was a soft-spoken gentleman from England. He always had a smile on his face. Now I know why he was telling us this all the time, “When you did not hear a word clearly from your partner. Just tell him to say it again. Don’t tell him that his pronunciation is not good.” One day he said, “It’s like I come to China and I am visiting a city. I often got lost. It’s natural. Because I am a foreigner. I can’t read the signs. So I often ask the local people. They are always happy to help me. Finally when I tell them ‘Thank you and Bye.’ they often give me this comment, ‘Good luck!’ It really makes my day. But what if they gave me this comment? ‘Hi, your sense of direction is poor. You need to improve it.’ They might be thinking they are still helping me. But it will totally ruin my day. ”
Why we should avoid giving judgment when providing feedback? Firstly, let’s not doubt about our good intentions. In most circumstances we want to help our partners improve their skills. So after we point out their mistakes, we’d like to take one step further to remind them. Like “Hi your pronunciation is not good”. We think we are doing them a favor. But we might not notice the favor is a wrapper. It wraps a bullet inside. It will shoot down our partner’s confidence and joy of learning.
Michael Jordan is the best basketball player of all time. When he was in high school he was cut from the school basketball team. His mother didn’t judge him or his school. She didn’t say “Jordan, you are not good enough.” or “Your school has made a mistake.” Instead, she told Jordan, ‘If you want something, work for it.’”
So one day when we find ourselves in a position to give feedback, let’s remember to offer a hand of encouragement instead of a slap of judgment. You might think it’s just a few words slipping out of your mouth. It wouldn’t hurt. But words do hurt when you use them to judge. As my English teacher said, let’s show people the road and give a final comment “Good luck!” rather than pointing out their sense of direction. Or just tell your partner to say the word again if you didn’t hear it clearly rather than telling them “Your pronunciation is poor.”
Thank you, and good luck!
