The Apology Switch in My Head
Yes, yes, people-pleasing is despicable. Be yourself! Be unapologetic!
Except… someone who is both over-apologizing(OA) and under-apologizing(UA) at the same time.
One minute, they’re profusely saying “ sorry “ for bumping into someone who didn’t notice. The next, they’re like kids caught red-handed in a squabble, vehemently denying any wrongdoing. It’s as if we have an ‘apology switch’ in our heads: one side for sneezes and coffee spills, the other for a loud, defiant “Don’t blame me!”.
When I apologize for small things, I feel… relieved. Like I’ve ticked off an invisible box on my emotional to-do list: Apology complete. Inner peace unlocked. But it’s honestly more of a self-consolation. The person on the receiving end doesn’t always share the sentiment. They’re probably thinking, ‘Why are you apologizing for this? It wasn’t even a thing!’
It’s like throwing confetti at a party that hasn’t started yet — unnecessary and, frankly, a little awkward. Of course, when your goal was to grab attention, mission accomplished.
The switch flipped. When it comes to serious business — hurting feelings, missing deadlines, or delivering poor outcomes — I freeze. My mind screams, “Say sorry!” but my mouth… nothing. I feel like I’m walking into a verbal minefield where every word could blow up in my face. The irony? While OA for the small stuff creates awkward moments, UA for the big stuff creates actual damage.
Think about it: OA intends to draw attention to something no one else noticed or cared about. It’s like you’re saying, “Please, stay here and focus on my minor blunder.” UA is doing the opposite. It refuses to address the elephant in the room, “Nothing to see here, folks. Move along!” Or “I am the victim!”
They might seem like two ends of a spectrum, but in some people, they coexist, even partner in crime. Both are control freaks. OA seizes the spotlight in harmless situations, while UA deflects accountability when it really matters.
Sounds familiar? Yes, the dreaded NPD. People with NPD often avoid sincere apologies because they genuinely believe they’re never wrong. The same wiring that makes them UA for serious mistakes can also drive them to OA for trivial ones — though OA is often out of the chart as an NPD trait. Remember the guy who blows the confetti at the party too early? Chances are, he’ll be conveniently absent when it’s time to clean the after-party mess.
Benjamin Franklin said, “Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” I’d add:
“Never ruin an apology by giving it when it’s unnecessary, or withholding it when it’s essential.”
The magic of saying Sorry isn’t in how often we say it but in how genuinely we mean it. The next time you feel the urge to apologize for a coffee spill, pause. And if you’ve hurt someone’s feelings or made a mistake, don’t let your pride press the mute button.
Because at the end of the day, life isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present, accountable, and human.
