When Failure Finally Hits, So Does Relief.
For many years, I worked my butt off, strove to be the best in my field. I climbed the corporate ladder and became an executive. “Hi, you’re irreplaceable.” I couldn’t stop wanting this accolade. I was driven by the fear of losing my job. Out of job? Hmm ~a failure that only takes place when the world ends.
My wish power petty and pathetic. Early 2017, after years of struggling, my South Korean employer went bankrupt. So here you come the end of the world. Hit me hard. Strangely, though, I felt a sense of relief instead. After years of waiting, now I was able to sit down and take a breath. Not too bad, huh.
Seven years have passed. My career is still on a downhill trajectory. Am I rolling down from the top of Mt Everest? The oasis never comes in sight. Strangely, though, neither does the end of the world. I’m still here, alive and kicking.
As the saying goes, failure never comes in odd numbers. Still in 2017, three months after I lost my job, my wife had a medical checkup ordered by her doctor. He suspected a serious illness. The days and nights while we were waiting for the result, I couldn’t sleep at all. It would be a gigantic failure for the family if the diagnosis were confirmed. The fear stressed me out. Strangely, though, I slept like a baby in the night after we received the result. No more fear. We buckled up to fight the cancer.
In the winter of 2018, I got an interview with a Norwegian company. A dream job at a dream company. While preparing for the interview and traveling to Norway, I was devoured by fear. I told myself I had to get this job; failing would mean the end of everything. I was so stressed that I stumbled and stuttered in front of a room of board directors. When the rejection email hit me, strangely, though, I didn’t see the end of everything. Instead, I felt an incredible sense of relief. Unplug. Go.
This fear-relief cycle continued after I moved to the U.S. I initially applied for the executive positions because I feared the “downfall” of my career. Oh what a failure when I add an entry position to my LinkedIn profile. I worked like a maniac before one day I realized my experiences were useless in this country. There is no manufacture in this country. They moved it all to South Asia. Twenty years ago.
When the failure hit, the fear was gone, the sense of relief came. Then I moved on, geared down for the door-to-door sales positions. New goal. New fear. Until one day I told myself, “Okay, this is it. I couldn’t get that kind of jobs.” I let the failure hit me because I wanted to get out of the shit feeling of fear. I wanted to move on.
When the idea of gig works hit me, it was like the master of all fear. Uber driver? Amazon warehouse associate? What would my family think when this failure hits? What about my former colleagues who still have Ds and Es on their titles? It must be the master of all ends. This is what they say, What You Fear The Most Will Most Likely Come To You. Jesus and Mother of all strangeness, when I started to work as an Uber driver and an Amazon associate in 2019, all I felt was relief. I shouted to the sky, “WHERE THE FXXK IS THE END OF THE WORLD?”
What they didn’t tell you is this, WHEN FAILURE FINALLY HITS, SO DOES RELIEF.
Fear isn’t what the world brings upon us; it’s what we bring upon ourselves. There are so many things beyond our control. When the cancer hits or a company goes bust. When you take on something that you thought you would never take. When failure finally hits, you will find it’s not the end of the world. As long as you keep fighting, you will be hit by a sense of relief. I guess this fear-relief cycle happened to Winston Churchill, too. Because he said, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
Why stay on this side of life where there is nothing but fear? I keep moving and fighting because my happiness lies on the other side — the fearless side of life.
